Growing up, we all sought that nod of approval from our parents, that affirming pat on the back. But what happens when that validation is rare or even absent?
Childhood validation plays a crucial role in shaping our adult lives. When it’s lacking, it can manifest in various ways as we grow older.
In this article, we’ll delve into seven typical behaviors displayed by adults who received little to no validation in their formative years.
Don’t worry, this isn’t about pointing fingers or playing the blame game. It’s about understanding and empathy. It’s about recognizing these behaviors in ourselves or others and working towards healing and growth.
So, let’s dive in.
1) Overcompensating for approval
One of the most apparent behaviors seen in those who were rarely validated as children is their constant need to prove themselves. It’s like they’re stuck in a never-ending race, running towards a finish line of approval that keeps moving further away.
This overcompensation usually manifests in adulthood as an intense drive for success, a desire to be the best at everything they do.
They believe that if they can just be successful enough, good enough, or perfect enough, they’ll finally earn the validation they’ve been craving.
The irony? Their pursuit often leaves them feeling drained and unfulfilled. They’re so focused on achieving external recognition that they neglect their own emotional needs.
Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards breaking free from it. Your worth is not defined by external achievements or others’ approval. You are enough, just as you are.
2) Difficulty in accepting compliments
This is something I’ve personally struggled with. For the longest time, accepting compliments felt uncomfortable for me. It felt like I was being put on the spot, and I would often deflect them or downplay my accomplishments.
Growing up, validation was scarce. So whenever someone complimented me, it almost seemed like they were talking about someone else. I didn’t feel deserving of their praise.
After some introspection, I realized this was a direct result of the lack of validation I received as a child. I wasn’t used to being recognized for my achievements or efforts, so when people did compliment me, it felt foreign and unsettling.
A report from BBC explains it so well: “Compliments can provoke anxiety in people with low self-esteem, because the compliments challenge their self-views and make them feel misunderstood.”
It took some time, but I’ve learned to graciously accept compliments and even give myself a pat on the back when it’s due. It’s not about becoming arrogant but recognizing your worth and the value you bring.
3) Excessive people-pleasing
A common behavior in adults who lacked validation as children is excessive people-pleasing. They often find themselves going out of their way to accommodate others, sometimes at the expense of their own well-being.
The underlying fear is rejection or disapproval. If they can keep everyone around them happy, they reason, then they’ll be accepted and valued.
Unfortunately, it’s a habit that can lead to unnecessary stress and burnout. In fact, as The Greater Good points out:
“Anytime we’re doing something that is more about influencing what others think of us than it is about authentically expressing ourselves, we end up out of integrity with ourselves. Being out of integrity has pretty serious consequences for our happiness, and for our relationships.”
Breaking away from this pattern requires setting boundaries and learning to say no without feeling guilty. It’s about understanding that your value doesn’t depend on the extent to which you can please others.
4) Struggling with self-esteem
Low self-esteem is a common thread among individuals who weren’t often validated during their childhood. They tend to view themselves through a critical lens, magnifying their flaws while downplaying their strengths.
Their internal dialogue is often harsh and unkind. They may hold themselves to unrealistic standards and beat themselves up when they fail to meet them.
It’s important for these individuals to understand that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect. What truly matters is how we learn and grow from our mistakes, not the mistakes themselves.
Working on self-compassion and self-love can be a powerful tool in combating low self-esteem. It’s about time we become our own biggest cheerleaders, rather than our harshest critics.
5) Fear of rejection
The fear of being rejected or abandoned can be so paralyzing. It’s like carrying around a heavy suitcase everywhere you go, always on the edge, bracing for the worst.
I remember avoiding any situation that could potentially end in rejection. Whether it was asking someone out, applying for a new job, or even sharing my ideas in a team meeting – the fear was always there, lurking in the shadows.
This fear stemmed from not receiving enough validation as a child. In my mind, any form of rejection was a confirmation of my deepest fear – that I wasn’t good enough.
But here’s what I’ve learned: rejection is not a reflection of your worth. It’s a part of life and it’s okay. You are still valuable and worthy, no matter how many times you face rejection. And each time you face it, you grow stronger and more resilient.
6) Difficulty expressing emotions
For individuals who rarely received validation as children, expressing emotions can be a daunting task. They might have grown up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or even criticized, leading them to suppress their feelings.
As adults, they might find it hard to articulate their emotions. They might even struggle with identifying what they’re feeling in the first place.
It’s crucial to understand that emotions aren’t weaknesses. They’re fundamental to our human experience. Learning to express and manage emotions healthily is a journey but it’s one well worth undertaking.
7) Craving validation in adulthood
Those who lacked validation as children often find themselves still craving it in adulthood. They may seek it from their partners, co-workers, friends, and even strangers on the internet. It’s like they’re trying to fill a void left by their early experiences.
Research shows that in some cases, childhood invalidation even carries an increased risk of pathological narcissism in adulthood.
The most important thing to remember is this: The validation you seek should come from within.
While it feels good to be recognized by others, true validation is self-validation. It’s acknowledging your worth and appreciating yourself for who you are.
After all, external validation is fleeting. But when you learn to validate yourself, you build a foundation of self-worth that no one can shake.