Are you questioning whether your relationship is built on love or something a little more complicated?
It can be tough to tell, especially when emotions run deep. Sometimes, what we think is love is actually emotional co-dependence—a dynamic that can feel intense, but isn’t as healthy as real love.
As someone who’s seen the nuances of relationships up close, I’m here to help you spot the difference. Today, we’re diving into five key signs that you might be mistaking emotional co-dependence for love.
Let’s break it down and see what’s really going on.
1) You have trouble making decisions on your own
So, let’s say you’re standing in front of the menu at a restaurant, and instead of just picking what you want, you immediately turn to your partner for their opinion.
Or maybe it’s bigger things—like choosing a job, a new hobby, or even making plans with friends—and you can’t seem to make a move without checking in with them first.
Sound familiar?
As widely acknowledged by experts like those at WebMD, this is a key sign of emotional co-dependence. When we lean too much on someone else for decision-making, it often stems from an unhealthy attachment rather than a true partnership.
I’ve seen this time and time again in my own work, and it’s something I discuss in depth in my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. The truth is, over-reliance on your partner for decisions can erode your sense of self and independence, which are vital to a healthy relationship.
So, how do you break this cycle?
Here are a few tips:
– Practice small decisions on your own: Start with low-stakes choices, like what to wear or what to eat, and gradually build up to bigger ones.
– Remind yourself of your own worth: Take note of how capable you are when making decisions solo, even if they feel uncomfortable at first.
– Communicate your needs: Share with your partner that you’re working on becoming more independent, and ask for their support in not leaning too heavily on them.
By taking small steps to reclaim your decision-making power, you’ll be reinforcing a healthier, more balanced relationship.
2) Your self-worth relies on your partner
While it’s natural to value your partner’s opinion, it becomes a problem when your self-worth is entirely tied to them.
One of my favorite quotes is from the brilliant Maya Angelou who once said, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” This rings especially true in relationships.
If you find your mood entirely dictated by your partner’s actions or words or if you feel worthless without their validation, there’s a high chance you’re mistaking love for emotional co-dependence.
In a healthy relationship, you should feel loved and valued for who you are, not just for what you provide to your partner. Your sense of self-worth should come from within, not from someone else.
As much as we might love someone else, it’s essential to love ourselves first and foremost.
3) You can’t imagine a life without them
This is a big one.
Don’t get me wrong—relationships are about being a team. But they’re not about losing yourself in someone else or becoming one person.
Healthy love is about two individuals coming together to enhance each other’s lives, not to complete them. When you start to feel like your entire identity revolves around your partner, it’s a red flag that emotional co-dependence could be at play.
To regain balance, here are a few things to try:
– Rediscover your own passions: Make time for hobbies, friends, and activities that are just for you. It’ll remind you of who you are outside the relationship.
– Foster independence in small ways: Take solo trips, spend time alone, or pursue personal goals. A little distance helps nurture your individuality.
– Reframe your thinking: Instead of seeing your partner as the only source of happiness, remind yourself that you are capable of building a fulfilling life on your own.
Remember, love is about complementing each other, not merging into one. Maintaining your independence is key to a healthier, more balanced relationship.
4) You feel responsible for their happiness
As a relationship expert, I’ve often seen this misunderstood.
People believe that if they love someone, they should be the source of their happiness. But in reality, each person is responsible for their own joy.
Do you find yourself constantly working to make your partner happy? Does their mood significantly affect yours? It’s time to reconsider.
It’s beautiful to want your partner to be happy, but it’s essential to understand that their happiness is not your responsibility. Love means being there for someone, supporting them, but ultimately recognizing that their emotions are their own.
5) You have no life outside the relationship
Last but not least, let’s talk about the importance of having your own life beyond the relationship.
When you spend every waking moment with your partner, your world begins to revolve solely around them. Friends, hobbies, personal interests—they’ve all taken a backseat, and it’s like your identity is fading into the background.
The folks at Help Guide describe it perfectly: “Your sense of identity is wrapped up in your partner’s, friend’s, or family member’s, so it’s difficult to maintain relationships or enjoy hobbies independently.”
So, what can you do?
Start by carving out time to reconnect with old friends or hobbies you’ve neglected.
Whether it’s picking up a book, revisiting a passion project, or making plans with people you care about, it’ll help you rediscover who you are outside of the relationship. It’s also important to set boundaries, making sure there’s time for you amidst the shared time together.
In the end, maintaining your individuality not only nurtures your personal growth but also creates a healthier dynamic in your relationship.
Final thoughts
Recognizing emotional co-dependence can be challenging, but it’s an essential step towards healthier relationships.
If you’ve found yourself nodding along to these signs, don’t despair. Acknowledging the problem is the first step towards breaking free of this cycle.
As someone who’s seen many relationships evolve, I want to reassure you that change is possible. You can move from co-dependence to a balanced, fulfilling relationship. In my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I provide a comprehensive guide on how to navigate this journey.
It might be a hard journey, but it’s one worth taking. You’re worth it.