Finding love can sometimes feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.
But what if the real obstacle isn’t just about finding the right person—it’s about the standards you’ve set?
Psychology suggests that while having high standards is important, setting them too high could actually be working against you.
In this article, we’ll explore seven signs that your standards might be too strict, and how a slight adjustment could open the door to a deeper, more fulfilling love.
1) Perfectionism
Perfection is a complete myth.
Hold on, before you roll your eyes at me, let’s unpack this.
Perfectionism in love is when you expect your partner to be flawless. You have this list of specifics that your ideal partner should meet, from their looks to their habits, and even their sense of humor.
But here’s the catch: No one is perfect. Not even that Hollywood crush of yours.
According to psychology, setting the bar unrealistically high can often lead to disappointment and frustration. You might find yourself in a constant cycle of relationships that never seem to work out.
So take a step back, and evaluate your expectations. Are they reasonable, or are they veering towards the impossible?
Love is about accepting someone for who they are, warts and all.
2) Comparisons
Here’s a personal story to illustrate this point.
Once upon a time, in my early twenties, I found myself constantly comparing my love life with those around me. My friends were settling into relationships that seemed perfect from the outside looking in. They had partners who were smart, attractive, successful, and utterly charming.
And then there was me.
I was single and felt like everyone else was playing a game I didn’t know the rules to. Every potential partner I met fell short when compared to the relationships my friends had. This comparison trap had me convinced that my standards were just not high enough.
So I raised them even higher.
But according to psychology, comparing your love life to others can be a dangerous game. It’s a recipe for dissatisfaction and unrealistic standards. Each relationship is unique, with its own set of highs and lows.
3) Overvaluing physical attraction
Physical attraction is important in a relationship, no doubt about it. But if it tops your list of must-haves in a partner, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Now, here’s something to chew on A study by the University of Texas at Austin found that romantic partners who are physically attractive tend to have shorter relationships and are more likely to get divorced.
Why, you ask?
It’s because physical attraction can often be mistaken for love, leading to relationships built on shaky grounds. When the initial infatuation fades, the relationship often falters.
While physical attraction is definitely a factor, it shouldn’t be the primary reason for choosing a partner. Other aspects like their character, values, and compatibility are just as crucial, if not more so.
4) Falling for potential
Oh, the allure of potential. It’s easy to fall for someone based on what they could be, rather than who they are right now. You see a glimmer of greatness in them and you think, “If only they could change this or that, they would be perfect.”
But here’s the thing: People are not projects. And love is not a renovation show.
Falling for someone’s potential is a sign that your standards might be skewed. It’s important to understand that people grow and evolve at their own pace. Expecting someone to change according to your timeline or ideals is neither fair nor realistic.
It’s crucial to love someone for who they are in the present, not who they might become in the future. After all, the foundation of any strong relationship is acceptance and understanding, not wishful thinking.
5) Fear of vulnerability
Once, I met someone who seemed perfect for me. We both loved the same music, shared similar career goals, and had an undeniable chemistry. There was just one problem: I was terrified to let my guard down.
I had set a standard that my partner should be able to understand and love me without me having to be vulnerable or open up about my deepest fears and insecurities. This fear of vulnerability led to a lack of intimacy and connection in the relationship.
Psychology suggests that this fear of opening up and showing our true selves can be a sign of having unreasonably high standards. Vulnerability is a key part of deep connection and intimacy in relationships.
It’s important to remember that being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness, but rather a strength. It shows that you’re real, human, and capable of deep emotional connections.
6) The ‘happily ever after’ syndrome
Many of us grow up with fairy tales that end with ‘happily ever after’. These stories often paint an unrealistic picture of love and relationships.
If you believe that true love means never having arguments, always agreeing on everything, and living a life free of challenges, then your standards might just be too high.
Real relationships involve disagreements, compromises, and sometimes even heartache. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, and that’s okay. It’s these experiences that help us grow as individuals and as a couple.
It’s important to remember that a ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t mean a perfect, conflict-free relationship. It means working through the tough times together and coming out stronger on the other side.
7) Ignoring red flags
Ignoring red flags in the name of love is a clear sign of high standards gone awry. If you find yourself making excuses for your partner’s negative behaviors because they tick all the other boxes on your list, then it’s time to reassess.
Ignoring red flags can lead to toxic relationships. It’s important to remember that no amount of good qualities can make up for disrespectful or harmful behavior.
Healthy relationships are built on respect, trust, and mutual understanding.
So, don’t ignore the warning signs. It’s okay to have high standards, but not at the expense of your well-being.
Letting go of perfectionism
Love is a complex and deeply personal journey. While having high standards is a reflection of knowing your worth, setting them too high can lead to disappointment and missed opportunities for meaningful connections.
As we’ve explored, expecting perfection, overvaluing physical attraction, or falling for potential are just a few signs that your standards might be working against you.
But finding balance doesn’t mean settling.
It’s about adjusting your perspective, embracing vulnerability, and recognizing that love is more about growth, understanding, and shared experiences than about meeting a checklist.