For years, I carried around an enormous backpack of apologies.
You know the drill:
– “I’m sorry for being too emotional.”
– “Apologies for asserting my boundaries.”
– “Sorry for not being able to meet up.”
I was a walking, talking apology machine. I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit, and I spent so much of my life apologizing for everything, even things that were completely out of my control.
In my early 30s, I was constantly saying sorry – to friends, family, even strangers. It was as if I was apologizing for my very existence.
But then, I started studying psychology and things began to change.
I realized there are some things we should never apologize for.
In this article, I’m going to share these insights with you. They helped me to stop over-apologizing and I hope they can do the same for you.
Let’s dive in.
1. Your feelings
The first thing I learned from psychologists that we should never apologize for is our feelings.
Sounds simple, right? But as someone who was always saying sorry for wearing my heart on my sleeve, it felt like a revelation.
Feelings are a fundamental part of our humanity. They are the raw, honest response of our inner selves to the world around us.
Yet, so often we feel compelled to apologize for them – especially if they’re inconvenient or uncomfortable for others.
But here’s the truth: You are allowed to feel your feelings. You don’t need to say sorry for being upset, angry, or even elated.
I remember feeling a sense of relief when I first heard this. It was as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I had permission to feel without guilt or apology.
Psychologists emphasize that acknowledging your feelings is a sign of emotional health and self-awareness. When we apologize for our feelings, we’re essentially apologizing for being human.
So next time you find yourself about to say “sorry” for feeling a certain way, pause. Remember that your emotions are valid and don’t require an apology.
This was the first step in learning how to stop over-apologizing and start living authentically.
2. Setting boundaries
The second item on our list of things you should never apologize for is setting boundaries.
As a psychology enthusiast and the founder of Hack Spirit, I’ve spent countless hours studying human behavior. But despite all that knowledge, I used to struggle with setting boundaries myself.
I would overextend myself, agree to things I didn’t want to do, and apologize for saying ‘no’. I thought it was easier to just go with the flow rather than assert my needs.
But then, I stumbled upon a quote from the renowned psychologist Dr. Brene Brown that completely changed my perspective. She said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
This resonated with me deeply.
I realized that by failing to set clear boundaries, I was disrespecting myself. I was putting others’ needs above my own and apologizing for wanting space, time, or respect.
From then on, I started asserting my boundaries without apology. Yes, it was uncomfortable at first, and yes, some people didn’t like it. But it was also liberating.
Setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish or unkind. It’s about respecting your own needs and well-being.
So next time you feel guilty about setting a boundary, remember Dr. Brown’s wise words: It’s a courageous act of self-love that requires no apology.
3. Your past
Another thing psychologists emphasize that we should never apologize for is our past.
This was a tough one for me to swallow. I used to carry around a lot of guilt and regret about mistakes I had made and opportunities I had missed. I would often catch myself apologizing for my past actions, even when they had no bearing on the present situation.
But I realized that our pasts are not things to apologize for. They are part of our journey, shaping us into who we are today.
Our past mistakes are lessons, not life sentences. They’re stepping stones on our path to growth and self-improvement.
I began to see my past in a new light. Instead of a series of failures and missteps, it became a rich tapestry of experiences that had shaped me into the person I am today.
If you’re in the habit of apologizing for your past, stop. Your past is a part of you, something to learn from, not something to say sorry for.
4. Needing alone time
The fourth item psychologists insist we should never apologize for is needing alone time.
I used to feel guilty about craving solitude, often apologizing when I needed time away from others. I felt like it was a sign of being antisocial or rude.
However, there is some research that show that spending time alone can improve mental health and lead to feelings of relaxation and freedom.
I’ve always been someone who cherishes their alone time. But I also felt like I had to apologize for it.
Armed with this new scientific insight, I stopped saying sorry for needing time by myself. I started embracing solitude as a healthy and necessary part of self-care.
We live in a society that often equates being alone with loneliness, but it’s important to remember that they’re not the same thing. It’s perfectly okay – and even beneficial – to spend time alone.
5. Standing up for what you believe in
The next thing psychologists assert that we should never apologize for is standing up for what we believe in.
I remember a time when I would often temper my opinions or beliefs to avoid potential conflict. I thought that by doing so, I was being considerate and maintaining peace.
But your beliefs, values, and ideals define who you are. They reflect your identity and shape your actions.
Apologizing for them is like apologizing for who you are, which isn’t something anyone should feel compelled to do.
I stopped muting my beliefs to make others comfortable. Instead, I learned to communicate them respectfully and assertively, without any apologies.
Standing up for what you believe in doesn’t mean being obstinate or argumentative. It’s about respectfully asserting your values and not apologizing for them.
6. Pursuing your passions
One of the most enlightening things I’ve learned from psychologists is that we should never apologize for pursuing our passions.
There was a time when I felt the need to apologize for my love of psychology. It wasn’t a ‘practical’ interest, and some people didn’t understand why I would devote so much time and energy to it. I often found myself saying sorry for spending time on what I loved.
There is a great quote from Carl Jung that gives me pause. He said, “The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.”
This quote reminds me that pursuing our passions is an integral part of who we are. It’s how we express ourselves and find fulfillment in life.
Passions bring us joy, ignite our creativity, and add meaning to our lives. Apologizing for them is like apologizing for being ourselves.
So, I stopped saying sorry for my love of psychology. Instead, I embraced it as an essential part of who I am. And let me tell you, it was liberating.
7. Saying ‘no’
The final thing psychologists urge us not to apologize for, which might seem counterintuitive, is saying ‘no’.
I used to be a chronic people-pleaser, always saying ‘yes’ to avoid disappointing others and then apologizing when I couldn’t meet their expectations.
But then, I learned that saying ‘no’ is not only okay, it’s essential. It’s about setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs and well-being.
Saying ‘no’ doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who respects your own time and energy.
This was a game-changer for me. I started saying ‘no’ without apology, and it freed up so much time and energy. It allowed me to focus on what truly mattered to me.
Here’s a practical tip that helped me: Next time you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do or don’t have time for, try saying, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to this right now.” It’s a polite yet firm way of saying ‘no’ without feeling the need to apologize.
It’s your life. You have every right to make decisions that serve your best interests without having to say sorry.